Leaving is Overrated. See You Soon isn’t.

People come and go.

I just realized that leaving people, especially those people who became a part of your life, sucks. But, sometimes there are those unforeseen circumstances that needs an instant life-changing decision. That just happened to me.

I am leaving Cebu. I am leaving the University of San Carlos. I am leaving the Department of Political Science. It’s a sad time for me as I have made a life in here. I was at least happier than I was before. Then, I became depressed, been thinking negatively and it lead to me failing my thesis. It was depressing. Again. After I found that out I couldn’t function well for 2 weeks. It affected my health, also because I am not good in handling stress positively. I became stagnant. Albeit my parent’s advice (‘It’s not the end of the world. There are more difficult adult problems than that.’), for me it was the end of my world. I was thinking that I had nothing left to do anymore.

My parents helped me recover, and during the recovery, I looked at the path further. I realized that I might have only 2 subjects in my final year. Imagine that. I’ll only go back here in Cebu to take one subject in every semester. Nope.

That made me decide to leave. It was hard at first, but it was the best decision. And this is why I have to fill up 3 huge boxes with my things in the dorm. God, I do have tons of things.

It happened fast. Next semester, instead of wearing green plaid pants and light cream colored blouse with the letters U, S, and C embroidered on it, I’ll be immaculate. I’ll be white and pure as the freshly fallen snow. Back to the roots. Back to the roots.

It was a hard decision, but it has to be done. Saying goodbye is hard, that’s why I prefer to say ‘See you around’.

See you around, Cebu.

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What am I to do?

Soon, I’ll be packing up my stuffs. Soon, I’ll leave the first university I’ve been. I’m not graduating, but due to some unfortunate circumstances, I decided to go back to my homebase.
I’ve changed a lot. A lot happened that molded and bruised me to what I am now. A lot knew that I did hold grudges against people whom I considered to be in my hit list – those were the people in my high school. My college friends were the kind of lot I could hang onto. I matured with them, and they were the kind of people that I want to hang out with. No fakes, no pretentions, no worries.
People say that I was hanging out with the ‘cool uni kids’. Yeah, they might be right. When I turned legal I get invited to parties everywhere, get to dress up a lot, stuffs like that. Yeah, that was fun. I might consider myself a ‘cool kid’, the thing is, what makes me different from all these cool kids?
Along with that, I became a different person than I was before. I might still be that shy girl, but I just realized I tend to feel superior to those who are in my hit list. Not all but to some. Is this because of my uni experience or high school? That is the constant question. But I always shrug it off.
I might be so sassy at times. Sometimes I like to hold on to that but it annoys people.
Those are some of the changes that I’ve been through. As the next academic year opens for me, I become so nervous, but I have to deal with it. What am I to do?

The Joys and Woes of Studying in a University

Most os us, if not all, would proceed to get a degree after high school. Well, in my generation’s case (or maybe in my culture’s case), it is mandatory. Mandatory because K+12 is not yet implemented and people will look down on you if you don’t have a degree.

But wait, it’s not just an ordinary degree. You NEED to have a degree that would give you a nice pay after Uni, whether you like it or not. Whether you like it or not, you are forced to study that. No turning back. If they allow you…you lucky one.

Some of us would study away from homes. Like me. We have a lot of reasons. My reasons were because ‘the course that I like(d) was in Cebu therefore I’ll study there’ and ‘I don’t want to deal with the same immature people I have dealt with during high school. Nope.’ During the process, there are regrets. Regretting is inevitable.

Yes, I do regret. Not that I regret studying away from home, but that has some advantages too. I regret getting the program.

International Relations and Foreign Service. Yeah it sounds real grand. Sacrifices are real grand too. Stress levels are damn real grand. Unimaginable. Four years ago I did not think about it very well. I just picked that out because I ‘might get a high paying job after’ (lies), ‘it sounds cool’ (just wait ’till you get IN it), ‘it’s an unusual course’ (truth), and ‘I think I could do this’ (barely). I was not warned of the dangers it brings. As an adventurous person, I dived head on into the program. Three years later, I’m struggling underwater because my oxygen tank is getting low.

Well, the reason behind this decision was because of economic factors. If money were not to talk about, I would take up Music Production or Creative Writing or Mass Communication or Cinematography. Unfortunately and albeit my great talent on those, I was not allowed to take any of those because they were ‘no-brainer’ programs. I am crying now. If I took up any of those programs, I’m already in the Dean’s List. DON’T YOU FORGET THAT.

Now you might want to know my situation. My skills in creative writing and drawing are hampered because I keep on using the part of my brain for analysis. I keep on dwelling with the facts that I got lost in it. The zest of creativity is fading. I don’t even have time to practice any musical instrument because this current program I have does not give me time. Time management, you say? IT DOES NOT EXIST IN THIS WORLD ANYMORE.

I keep up on my grades because of the retention policy. I eat, sleep, wake up, do the same things all over again. Talk politics, talk about the very dry politics. (I am a Political Science student but why am I saying this?) But honestly, I am a mediocre at most times. Because my heart is not in it. I have grown bitter over it. I had too much. I know three years is not that long but for me it is. It is slowly killing me. I work just for the grades. I work too much that I envy National University – Singapore and how they grade people by their skills and talents and not too much on standardize exams.

But the good thing is, I am not studying in my home turf. Here in Cebu, I could feel the stress and the burden on my shoulders. I am not healthy. My shoulders would hurt, felt like I’m carrying some heavy stuffs on my shoulders. My breathing is not even. My chest would suddenly become heavy with no reason at all. I am always tired despite my workout sessions in the gym. ┬áIn Davao, I won’t feel these things. That is a good thing. I am stressed in only one area in this world. Imagine if I’m studying in Davao, I would probably kill myself by then. So stop telling me that these are because of my hormones. Let us not blame everything on hormones. There are other factors aside from hormones, and of course it is NOT because my period is coming.

The title is a bit misleading. I’ve been talking about the woes of studying in a University for the whole time. Well, probably my woes. But I’ll leave it that way for a while. To be honest I’m not feeling that well. And don’t tell me to get some fuckin’ tea because I already had a hundred cups of tea and I am still not calm.

I just wanna go up in a mountain and scream, tbh.