What am I to do?

Soon, I’ll be packing up my stuffs. Soon, I’ll leave the first university I’ve been. I’m not graduating, but due to some unfortunate circumstances, I decided to go back to my homebase.
I’ve changed a lot. A lot happened that molded and bruised me to what I am now. A lot knew that I did hold grudges against people whom I considered to be in my hit list – those were the people in my high school. My college friends were the kind of lot I could hang onto. I matured with them, and they were the kind of people that I want to hang out with. No fakes, no pretentions, no worries.
People say that I was hanging out with the ‘cool uni kids’. Yeah, they might be right. When I turned legal I get invited to parties everywhere, get to dress up a lot, stuffs like that. Yeah, that was fun. I might consider myself a ‘cool kid’, the thing is, what makes me different from all these cool kids?
Along with that, I became a different person than I was before. I might still be that shy girl, but I just realized I tend to feel superior to those who are in my hit list. Not all but to some. Is this because of my uni experience or high school? That is the constant question. But I always shrug it off.
I might be so sassy at times. Sometimes I like to hold on to that but it annoys people.
Those are some of the changes that I’ve been through. As the next academic year opens for me, I become so nervous, but I have to deal with it. What am I to do?

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Headstrong

After more or less than a year, I would be walking up the stage to get my diploma.

Some, if not all, of my classmates would graduate as cum laude, magna cum laude, summa cum laude. Some, if not all, in the IRFS track, will be one of those three. Maybe, I’m not in there.

Yes, I was not that focused. I lived my 4 years full of regrets. I might say this here in my blog or write about it in my journals or tell my friends about this but I could never, ever tell my parents about it.

Yes, they want me to choose a program that I like. I chose this path – out of force. Out of an indirect force.

Yes, I wanted something else. Setting money aside, I badly wanted to be a filmmaker, or a painter, or a writer, or a musician.

Yes, I am not serious with my studies. I tried to deviate, make a way to go to what I really wanted to get as a degree, but it seems that all my dreams are impossible.

Yes, they are impossible dreams. Dreams that are easy to say and imagine, but very, very, very difficult to fulfill.

Yes, my parents would compare me to my batch mates. They would ask me ‘how come he/she graduated with honors but you didn’t?’

Yes, I am never honest with anyone.

Yes, I am never honest with myself.

I am now 19, and I am still confused. 19 years of not knowing what you really want to do with your life. Ever since I was a kid I always wanted to be a musician. Yes, I was a short-attention spanned kid on my piano lessons but I did strive to learn guitar. I would compose songs. But this passion became a hobby, then down to less than a hobby. I was good at writing. I was best in writing stories. I have a very creative mind. I got in university, and I was placed in a transparent box. I could see what’s going on outside, but I couldn’t make anything from what’s outside. I am confined to just the laws and treaties and what-nots.

My mother is a frustrated fashion designer, but she has forgotten about it, thinking/acting about it as a mere hobby of drawing or sketching or doodling on paper. My father’s father is a frustrated lawyer. My father seems like a lawyer. That passed on to me, fortunately and unfortunately. I don’t want to be a lawyer. I grow up and realize I am weak on speaking but very strong on writing. Why have I entered IRFS? I will never know why.

I thought about going in University of San Carlos ever since I was in 3rd year high school. My regrets? I should have researched more about the school. I should have researched more about their programs. If I only knew before that they offer Cinematography, my ass would have been there. If I was in Cinematography right now, I would have been in the dean’s list. To be honest, I am not happy here at all. I could have been better somewhere else. I forced myself here, because I thought back then that my future in Cinematography would be bleak. I was wrong. It could be much better than this.

Some people would say that I think of myself too much. Actually, no. I am an only child, and ever since I was a teenager, I thought of nothing but my parents, friends, everyone around me. I never thought of myself.

Some people would say that I am not working hard. I am working hard. Some people would say that I am too distracted. It actually hurts me to hear that. Yes, I am distracted, because I don’t want to do all of these. I want something else. I want my future to be surrounded with crumpled papers, cork boards full of little notes of plot ideas, clean sheets of paper with tea stains, and storyboards with little people enacting some scenes. My creativity is very important to me. That is one thing I am holding on in my life. My passion evolves in everything that makes rhymes, music, and images.

The Joys and Woes of Studying in a University

Most os us, if not all, would proceed to get a degree after high school. Well, in my generation’s case (or maybe in my culture’s case), it is mandatory. Mandatory because K+12 is not yet implemented and people will look down on you if you don’t have a degree.

But wait, it’s not just an ordinary degree. You NEED to have a degree that would give you a nice pay after Uni, whether you like it or not. Whether you like it or not, you are forced to study that. No turning back. If they allow you…you lucky one.

Some of us would study away from homes. Like me. We have a lot of reasons. My reasons were because ‘the course that I like(d) was in Cebu therefore I’ll study there’ and ‘I don’t want to deal with the same immature people I have dealt with during high school. Nope.’ During the process, there are regrets. Regretting is inevitable.

Yes, I do regret. Not that I regret studying away from home, but that has some advantages too. I regret getting the program.

International Relations and Foreign Service. Yeah it sounds real grand. Sacrifices are real grand too. Stress levels are damn real grand. Unimaginable. Four years ago I did not think about it very well. I just picked that out because I ‘might get a high paying job after’ (lies), ‘it sounds cool’ (just wait ’till you get IN it), ‘it’s an unusual course’ (truth), and ‘I think I could do this’ (barely). I was not warned of the dangers it brings. As an adventurous person, I dived head on into the program. Three years later, I’m struggling underwater because my oxygen tank is getting low.

Well, the reason behind this decision was because of economic factors. If money were not to talk about, I would take up Music Production or Creative Writing or Mass Communication or Cinematography. Unfortunately and albeit my great talent on those, I was not allowed to take any of those because they were ‘no-brainer’ programs. I am crying now. If I took up any of those programs, I’m already in the Dean’s List. DON’T YOU FORGET THAT.

Now you might want to know my situation. My skills in creative writing and drawing are hampered because I keep on using the part of my brain for analysis. I keep on dwelling with the facts that I got lost in it. The zest of creativity is fading. I don’t even have time to practice any musical instrument because this current program I have does not give me time. Time management, you say? IT DOES NOT EXIST IN THIS WORLD ANYMORE.

I keep up on my grades because of the retention policy. I eat, sleep, wake up, do the same things all over again. Talk politics, talk about the very dry politics. (I am a Political Science student but why am I saying this?) But honestly, I am a mediocre at most times. Because my heart is not in it. I have grown bitter over it. I had too much. I know three years is not that long but for me it is. It is slowly killing me. I work just for the grades. I work too much that I envy National University – Singapore and how they grade people by their skills and talents and not too much on standardize exams.

But the good thing is, I am not studying in my home turf. Here in Cebu, I could feel the stress and the burden on my shoulders. I am not healthy. My shoulders would hurt, felt like I’m carrying some heavy stuffs on my shoulders. My breathing is not even. My chest would suddenly become heavy with no reason at all. I am always tired despite my workout sessions in the gym.  In Davao, I won’t feel these things. That is a good thing. I am stressed in only one area in this world. Imagine if I’m studying in Davao, I would probably kill myself by then. So stop telling me that these are because of my hormones. Let us not blame everything on hormones. There are other factors aside from hormones, and of course it is NOT because my period is coming.

The title is a bit misleading. I’ve been talking about the woes of studying in a University for the whole time. Well, probably my woes. But I’ll leave it that way for a while. To be honest I’m not feeling that well. And don’t tell me to get some fuckin’ tea because I already had a hundred cups of tea and I am still not calm.

I just wanna go up in a mountain and scream, tbh.

Career NO-pportunity

I was scrolling through Yahoo! when I stumbled upon this article: Four Foolish Majors To Avoid. So, as a curious hummingbird as I am, I clicked on the link and read the article, and to my surprise, my degree program is there.

I am a Political Science major, and it belongs to the liberal arts same with History, Sociology and the others. And in the list it is in the very first bullet. My career opportunity goes down from 85% to 10%. I felt like I was holding on to a thread, trying not to fall on the volcano’s crater.

At the first place, why did I even choose Political Science? I have a lot of reason. This bring us to my debate between me and my parents.

I always wanted to be a musician or a writer. I was more on the skills, as I observed in the bankable careers, most people who excel are the skillful ones. Long story short, my parents don’t want me to take up music technology or performing arts or creative writing.

So, scratch that. They told me to get a degree that can save my life. I thought on the degrees of the elders in our family. We have lots of lawyers. But I really want to travel the world. I could get agricultural engineering, but that will throw me to the department in this country that has a low budget, I have to ask forgiveness from my grandfather who’s already in the heavens for that. I also can’t be a doctor because I hate science and blood freaks me out. I just decided to become a Political Science major.

But wait! It isn’t JUST a political science major, but an International Relations and Foreign Service major. And going back to the opportunity scale, from 85% it’s down to 60%.

Why? Because, in this degree, you are trained to become the think tanks and your country’s lawyers. By country’s lawyers I mean diplomats. The opportunity scale dwindles down to 45%. Again, why? It is so specific. And after you graduate from college you have roughly 3 choices: take the Foreign Service Officer exam; go to Law school, or; be a professor; in which I am now considering 0 of the choices. I don’t want to go to Law school because I don’t want to defend the wrong. (based on experience. I cried inside the court because the victim’s case was dismissed. But I was just in the audience. I didn’t do the defending and stuffs.) I don’t want to be a professor because as time goes by it becomes mechanical and I couldn’t catch the attention of the people if I’m just talking in front of them. (How I knew that? No one’s listening to me when I report school stuffs but when I sing all eyes and ears are on me. Not boasting but it’s just the truth and nothing but the truth.) Nothing new. Should I take the FSO exam? I don’t think so.

Now, I am about to finish my second year in this degree. What fuels me to continue? My parents are paying for my college education, so why would I waste my time here?

Basically what is my point? My point, or ‘points’ rather, here is that nowadays the employable degrees are the ones that focus on skills and skills alone. A little brain, to be quite honest. All you need to have are those skills. What skills? Your talents. Another, my parents, as Asians as they are, are so focused on the Academic aspect of life. Having a degree is very important to Asians that it becomes a superficial thing. Thirdly, lawyers have their lives at stake, especially when your client’s opponents are the big ones. When you are a lawyer, it seems like you are also digging your own grave. True story. Our neighbor, who is a lawyer, told me that. So, no thanks. Fourth, being an FSO means that you’re representing your country abroad. Sounds cool but for me it’s mechanical. You just walk, go to meetings, talk about the foreign policies, issues and events. Just that. It is as bland as eating rice alone. And lastly, the world changes every minute of our lives. In every breath we take, there are a lot of changes that are happening around us. If we want to be like our grandfathers who travelled a lot during their youth, let’s reflect upon it. Do we want his degree or just the fact that he’s traveling all around the world? If you want the former, then go. No one’s stopping you, my friend. But if we want the latter, then choose a degree that is correlated to your interests and skills and go for that degree. Don’t commit my common mistake.

Regretting is a waste of time. If you already did it, then why not just get something good out of it. Like me. I’m having good grades because I just want to impress my parents. (I know that’s a negative motivation but what can I do? Asians.)

I should have taken up Music Technology and be a producer.

If you want to learn the other 3 degrees not to earn, click here.

My Filipino Assignment

Ok. This is my Filipino Assignment and I have to encircle the sentences that has some ‘tayutay’s in it. But before anything else, I want to share this funny assignment that I have.

We’ve been friends for a long time ago. We come from the same alma mother. Actually, our paths crossed one time on another. But it’s only now that I gave him a second look. I realized that beauty is in the eyes. The pulp bits of my heart went fast, really fast. Cute pala siya. And then, he came over with me. He said, “I hope you don’t mine. Can I get your number?” Nag-worry ako. What if he doesn’t give it back? He explained naman na it’s so we could keep intact daw. Sabi ko, “Connect me if I’m wrong, but are you asking me ouch?”

“The?!”….ang sarcastic na sagot niya.

Aba! The verb! Parang siya pa ang nagalit! Persona ingrata! Ang kapal niya!

I cried buckles of tears. Na-guilty yata siya. Sabi niya, “Isipin mo nalang na this is a blessing in the sky.”

Irregardless daw of his feelings, we should go ouch na rin. Now, we’re so in love. Mute and epidemic na ang past. Thanks God we swallowed our fried. Kasi, I’m 33 na and I’m running our time.

After two weeks, he plopped the question. “Will you marriage me?”

I’m in a state of shocked! Kasi mantakin mo, when it rains, it’s four! This is true good to be true. So siyempre, I said “Yes.”

Love is so many splendor. Pero hung inaayos ko na ang aming kasal, everything swell to pieces. Nagdi-dinner kami noon nang biglang sa harap ng aming table, may babaeng humorist ng, “Well, well, well. Look do we have here.” What the fuss! The nerd ng babaeng yon!

She said they were still on. So I told her, “Whatever is that, cut me some slacks!” I didn’t want this to get our hand kaya I had to sip it in the bud. She accused me of steeling her boyfriend. As is!!! I don’t want to portrait the role of the other woman. “Gosh, tell me to the marines!” I told her. “Please, mine your own business!” Who would believe her anyway?

Dahil it’s not my problem anymore but her problem anymore, tumigil na rin siya sa panggugulo. Everything is coming up daisies. I’m so happy. Even my boyfriend said liketwice. He’s so supportive. Sabi niya, “Look at is this way. She’s out our lives.”

Kaya, advice ko sa inyo, take the risk. You can never tell. Just burn the bridge when you get there.

A Day To Remember…And Reflect Upon

Remember this day. November 16, 2012. The second time I got drunk, and wasted. So wasted.

I’ll start by telling you our U-Nite.

It’s the University Night. Everyone was there. Bands from different colleges were playing. I was there. Then one of our friends gave me a mock cocktail. Everything was fine. Perfectly fine.

Then after, as usual (and as the tradition of College students), we went out to have some drinks. We were in this pub called Figola and had some shots. After a little later, the friends of one of our friends came over and met them. They were undeniably cute, believe me.

Then the climax. We went to this club named Alchology (great name for a club, yeah?) and went dancing. We were just 4 of us remaining, so we savored the moments. Why I called this the climax?

Here’s the story.

I was dancing on the wall when this guy locked me on it. I looked at him and he moved in closer. He asked me something but the only thing I could reply was ‘What?’. For real I cannot hear anything he says. Then later on I heard what he was asking me. He asked for my name. I told him. ‘Tasha.’ Then he grabbed my arms up to his shoulder and glided his hands under my shirt. If you think I wasn’t on my senses that time, well, I was. I put down my hands and shoved his out of my bare skin. He looked at me and I looked back. I don’t know what he was thinking but he decided to close the gap between us. He was really close. So close that I could smell his perfume. Then I felt he was pulling the collar of my shirt. Then I knew he was peeking on my breasts. For some unknown drunk reason I was waiting for him to kiss me on the neck or somewhere but he was delaying. I don’t know why (I know I sound like a bitch.). I looked over his shoulder and I saw my guy friend (well, he’s actually gay but he can help). I tugged his sleeve and he saw me stuck on that guy. He pulled me and I was free. That was crazy.

I know I sound like a bitch or, worse, a slut, but I have just allowed that guy to do that to me. Things like that would happen, if only the got was hot or handsome. But, forget it.

The point of all of these is, I don’t want this to happen to anyone of you, readers. If ever you drink, don’t drink like crazy, or like me. I want you to be safe. Don’t ever drink senseless. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you, like this. I don’t care if you’ll forget me, just remember to drink responsibly. Don’t ever think about me, just think about yourselves.

I care for you. In fact, for everyone.