I never take my feelings lightly. It’s either love or hate. Desire or passion. As is or a combination of two or more emotional force that controls my soul. I am a person who is deeply aware of her emotions. When I love, I love with all my heart. When I hate, well, you already know.
Right now, I am in the stage of my life where I am trying to untie my emotions from a guy. A guy whom I, unfortunately, manage to fall in love with. Unfortunately, and as it happens most of the time, it was just me. I have loved him with all my words and my songs. But when things went haywire and some unfortunate event happened, it led me to question whether he was the person that I was looking for. Whether he was the anchor that I can tie myself to so I won’t get caught in the wild currents of time and life. Turned out he wasn’t. I impulsively detached myself from him. I did so because he was not that person I was looking for.
At that point, I knew I could not trust him like I trusted him in the first month of knowing him. Trusting him was a hasty move. I should have observed more. I stopped everything, since “I was the reason why at that point his life went shit”, then ok, I’ll step away, whether he likes it or not. I stopped talking to him anywhere, everywhere.
At that point, I also tried stopping my love for him. I realized it was not worth it. I tried unloving him but it seemed impossible. And as I try hard, the love I had for him turned to the dark side. I started hating him.
I hated how he looks. I hated how he dresses up so nicely. I hated how he’s so good at almost everything. I hated the fact that he’s so smart and so balanced. I hated to see him laughing and smiling at the company he currently has. I hated how he made me nothing but a useless speck of dust.
It was toxic. I was drowning in hate at one point. All I wanted was to crumble him.
Until I had an epiphany. I was not hating him. I was hating on me hating him. Or in other words, I hated myself. I was too engrossed in planning to crumble him that I was already lost and confused. I realized I could be as good as him. I could be as smart as he is. The only thing holding me back was me being not too inspired to change myself. Because, at that point, I was thinking, “for what will I change for? I’ve got nothing.”
Nothing. There was nothing. I was alone in this fight. No one knows how or what I was feeling. He does not know the internal struggle I had. (Maybe now he does because he’s reading this. Or maybe not, because he scrolled past through this link.) He never asks. But when he does, he says nothing, as usual. He does not understand. Nobody does. There is nothing for me.
Now, do I really love or hate him? What really is he for me? To be quite honest I am still confused. Maybe he was an inspiration in the weirdest way because I have to hate something before realizing that I actually love something. In this case, I still have to love and then hate him in order to realize in the end that I still have a little bit of love or care for him. Is it that much as before? No.
He broke my trust. There never was closure. He didn’t know that I do not trust him anymore. Am I being unfair to him? Yes, of course. But he was unfair too. Let him taste his own medicine.
Will I still fight for my love for him?
May I ask something: Is it still worth it? I’m tired.