Hear my silence resonating on the walls of your head.
It has been 2 years since I last posted here. When I got back from Cebu, I opened another blog on Tumblr and I have been posting from there since then.
A lot has changed. A lot has happened. I’ll update on the things that happened as I cross-post some entries from Tumblr to here since I have come home.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I have to leave. It’s a sad decision but I have to. At first it was not easy to make this decision and it was not easy to transfer islands. I filled 3 huge boxes of my stuffs from here. Imagine! I almost had a life, or I had a life here. Oh, Cebu.
You were the reason I lived. My parents prayed to the Sto. Niño to have me. Every travel that we have we never fail to visit you.
Time came and I decided to study with you. University of San Carlos. I had a great time stressing out. It was hard and tiring, but it was worth it. I learned a lot.
Even though you’re sizzling hot, too hot for me, I did endure it as I try to finish my studies. I became an expert fanner (if there is such a word).
I made friends with your people and they were the best humans I’ve ever met. They were the friends that I’ll never forget.
You have fast cars. Really. Fast cars that would take my breath away as my life flashes before my eyes. So fast that they could beat African cheetahs.
Cebu, you were great.
Ok. My flight is being called. I’ll be home in a bit, and it’s for good. So, I guess I’ll see you around, Cebu?
People come and go.
I just realized that leaving people, especially those people who became a part of your life, sucks. But, sometimes there are those unforeseen circumstances that needs an instant life-changing decision. That just happened to me.
I am leaving Cebu. I am leaving the University of San Carlos. I am leaving the Department of Political Science. It’s a sad time for me as I have made a life in here. I was at least happier than I was before. Then, I became depressed, been thinking negatively and it lead to me failing my thesis. It was depressing. Again. After I found that out I couldn’t function well for 2 weeks. It affected my health, also because I am not good in handling stress positively. I became stagnant. Albeit my parent’s advice (‘It’s not the end of the world. There are more difficult adult problems than that.’), for me it was the end of my world. I was thinking that I had nothing left to do anymore.
My parents helped me recover, and during the recovery, I looked at the path further. I realized that I might have only 2 subjects in my final year. Imagine that. I’ll only go back here in Cebu to take one subject in every semester. Nope.
That made me decide to leave. It was hard at first, but it was the best decision. And this is why I have to fill up 3 huge boxes with my things in the dorm. God, I do have tons of things.
It happened fast. Next semester, instead of wearing green plaid pants and light cream colored blouse with the letters U, S, and C embroidered on it, I’ll be immaculate. I’ll be white and pure as the freshly fallen snow. Back to the roots. Back to the roots.
It was a hard decision, but it has to be done. Saying goodbye is hard, that’s why I prefer to say ‘See you around’.
See you around, Cebu.
So, I saw this article about Kris Aquino, a female celebrity/socialite/whatever here in the Philippines, telling Andrew Garfield that her movie beat the first Spider Man movie here.
How fucked up is that?!
And, who the hell would tell another celebrity, ‘hey, y’know? I beat your movie in this country.’ That is a form of humiliating that person, and that is not ok.
What’s worst? Kris bragged about her ‘top-grossing movie’ to Andy, which isn’t really that.
Kris’ movie was entitled, ‘My Little Bossings’ which also starred her son, Bimby. Unfortunately my Ma pulled me to watch that movie because she wants to know how Bimby acts. I didn’t like the movie at all. The story line was faulty, the camera angles were messy, transitions are a pain in the head, the acting does not suit the actors. It felt like I was watching a movie made by 5-year olds. (But, then again, there are even stories made by 5-year olds that are better than that movie) 10 minutes into the movie I got bored and I wanted to leave the theater. No one seemed to enjoy the movie, as the theater was silent. It actually wasted 180 of my money. It was NOTHING compared to Spider Man. How it became top grossing? The hell I know.
Now, I’m wondering why the hell is she interviewing them? Where the hell are our top journalists? What happened was a huge shame. Some journalist/movie critic deserves that slot more than her.
Poor Andy. He’s there, expecting that people will talk about his upcoming movie and his upcoming projects or whatever and here comes a person, who is not really knowledgeable on how to handle interviews, brags about beating Andy’s movie with her dumb movie.
To Kris, please please please don’t do anything that you can’t do. I don’t even know how you got in the roster of interviewers. Some movie critic DESERVES that slot more than you, even if you did that as a birthday gift for your son. And, watch your mouth. You don’t hail yourself in front of a world-class actor. Not all things that you do are right. You are the president’s sister and you should behave so you would not ruin your family’s name.
Oh, the fucked up people in this beautiful country.
After more or less than a year, I would be walking up the stage to get my diploma.
Some, if not all, of my classmates would graduate as cum laude, magna cum laude, summa cum laude. Some, if not all, in the IRFS track, will be one of those three. Maybe, I’m not in there.
Yes, I was not that focused. I lived my 4 years full of regrets. I might say this here in my blog or write about it in my journals or tell my friends about this but I could never, ever tell my parents about it.
Yes, they want me to choose a program that I like. I chose this path – out of force. Out of an indirect force.
Yes, I wanted something else. Setting money aside, I badly wanted to be a filmmaker, or a painter, or a writer, or a musician.
Yes, I am not serious with my studies. I tried to deviate, make a way to go to what I really wanted to get as a degree, but it seems that all my dreams are impossible.
Yes, they are impossible dreams. Dreams that are easy to say and imagine, but very, very, very difficult to fulfill.
Yes, my parents would compare me to my batch mates. They would ask me ‘how come he/she graduated with honors but you didn’t?’
Yes, I am never honest with anyone.
Yes, I am never honest with myself.
I am now 19, and I am still confused. 19 years of not knowing what you really want to do with your life. Ever since I was a kid I always wanted to be a musician. Yes, I was a short-attention spanned kid on my piano lessons but I did strive to learn guitar. I would compose songs. But this passion became a hobby, then down to less than a hobby. I was good at writing. I was best in writing stories. I have a very creative mind. I got in university, and I was placed in a transparent box. I could see what’s going on outside, but I couldn’t make anything from what’s outside. I am confined to just the laws and treaties and what-nots.
My mother is a frustrated fashion designer, but she has forgotten about it, thinking/acting about it as a mere hobby of drawing or sketching or doodling on paper. My father’s father is a frustrated lawyer. My father seems like a lawyer. That passed on to me, fortunately and unfortunately. I don’t want to be a lawyer. I grow up and realize I am weak on speaking but very strong on writing. Why have I entered IRFS? I will never know why.
I thought about going in University of San Carlos ever since I was in 3rd year high school. My regrets? I should have researched more about the school. I should have researched more about their programs. If I only knew before that they offer Cinematography, my ass would have been there. If I was in Cinematography right now, I would have been in the dean’s list. To be honest, I am not happy here at all. I could have been better somewhere else. I forced myself here, because I thought back then that my future in Cinematography would be bleak. I was wrong. It could be much better than this.
Some people would say that I think of myself too much. Actually, no. I am an only child, and ever since I was a teenager, I thought of nothing but my parents, friends, everyone around me. I never thought of myself.
Some people would say that I am not working hard. I am working hard. Some people would say that I am too distracted. It actually hurts me to hear that. Yes, I am distracted, because I don’t want to do all of these. I want something else. I want my future to be surrounded with crumpled papers, cork boards full of little notes of plot ideas, clean sheets of paper with tea stains, and storyboards with little people enacting some scenes. My creativity is very important to me. That is one thing I am holding on in my life. My passion evolves in everything that makes rhymes, music, and images.
It’s Friday night. I just passed my final revised thesis proposal in the Political Science department. I’m with my friends. So we’re out to chill.
Later on. Me and my friend, Janice, decided to watch Captain America: The Winter Soldier. So, we’re inside the cinema, waiting for the movie to start.
When the movie started, we were blessed to have 2 high school girls beside us. And we were so blessed because they can’t seem to shut the fuck up. People around us, including me, kept on hushing them, but to no avail.
So, the ultimatum came. There are these 2 high school girls, who kept on talking about God-knows-what out loud inside the cinema while the movie is going on. [Spoiler alert: If you haven’t watch the movie yet, you better stop reading. If you already watched it, then carry on if you must.] Then this scene where they show that Nick Fury is still alive came, then this one girl looked at her friend and said ‘SEE?! I TOLD YOU HE’S ALIVE!’ out loud.
No shit, Sherlock.
I got irritated and replied, ‘SHUT UP!’ in the most bitchiest, sassiest way I could.
They shut up.
So, I think I won that time, ’cause everyone around us laughed. Laughed at the fact that someone has finally owned the noisy ones.
But, unfortunately, they didn’t get the memo and still was noisy until the end of the movie. Suckers.
Sorry, but I assumed that having an etiquette is implied. I assumed that everyone in this world knows how to behave in public, especially in cinemas. Turns out, I am wrong. I have come across these kids before, still in the cinemas. It makes me ask questions: what happened? Did they ever listen to their parents? Where are their parents? What are their parents doing? Are the parents too busy to work to satisfy the wants of their kids? It’s fucked up, dude. It’s fucked up.
I am surprised. When I was 13 I knew how to behave in public. I knew how to respect each person’s space. 13 year olds these days barely know how to behave. Hell, they even look like college students! Have we fucked up? Or are we that fucked up? I think not.
It’s not wrong to talk in the cinemas. Just make small, hushed talks with your friend. But not like you’re having a conversation in a park or somewhere open.
Also, parents, please. I’m no parent but, please, guide your child like how your parents guided you. Teach them how to respect. Respect has no expiration date. Respect is not just until our generation. It should be in everyone’s moral list. If they don’t listen, then, you need some power play in there. Bring back the respect and balance it with care and love.
Kids, please. Your parents are not your servants. They are your guides. I repeat, YOUR GUIDES. If you keep on asking them to buy you this or that, then you are missing the greatest things in life: Family. Also, MORALS. Learn how to respect each person in this Earth. Learn how to behave in this Earth. Mind you, it’ll take you to good place.
It’s just disappointing, really. How high schoolers behave these days. All the early drinking, smoking, partying, misbehaving. Tsk. It’s not fucking cool, believe me.