#Prose: January 11, 2015

I don’t know what made me fall in love with you.

Must be your smile. Your laughter. Your voice.

Must be the way you run your hand through your hair.

Must be your humor. Your twisted words. Your scent.

Must be the sensation when your hand pressed mine.

Must be the gaze you give me when you want to say something but you just can’t bring yourself to do it.

Must be the way you see the world. It’s beautiful.

Must be your chill soul.

Or must be just you. In general.

I don’t care. I’ve fallen. And I’m going to love everything that you are.

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On Infatuation and Admission

So, I did something. Something women find hard to do.

I told my crush of 4 years that I actually have a crush on him.

It took me almost a year to tell him that. Why did I do that? you ask. I did that because I thought I couldn’t move on without me telling him. Why, again? Because the thought of being into him for 4 years is unsettling. It didn’t let me sleep ever since I transferred universities. I felt the need of telling him, just to hush my thoughts. I don’t know about you, but for me, this is the most liberating thing I have done. I have done what other women are scared of doing, even trying.

Admitting to your crush how you feel about him is, yes, scary for most of us women. Mostly because we, most often than not, fall into the friendzone than succeeding. In my case, I initially set forth friendzone after admitting. I know some of you will get frustrated but, hang on.

This brings us to the next reason: women gets easily emotional (like negatively emotional) when we get rejected, especially when feelings matter. Of course no one wants to be rejected, but sometimes or oftentimes we don’t get mutual feelings. I was prepared for that. So, before I admitted, I told myself that this might not end up like a fairytale. Screw fairytales. This is the real world. I’ll be okay whatever happens.

More often than not we get subjected to humiliation. I’ve been there. I know some of you have been there, irregardless of the gender. If I wasn’t Emma Watson or Mila Kunis then they’ll just laugh at me.

There’s this awkward stage between you and the guy. Right now I can’t have that awkward moments because we’re miles apart and I did that over the internet. Well, I wish I did that face-to-face, to see his reaction. But if it did happen face-to-face, it would’ve feel awkward. I just don’t know why. Maybe because he doesn’t know how to handle such information? Maybe because she’s regretting such act?

I told some of my friends about this act and they told me that I was so brave in admitting to my crush. Yeah, I was scared for the first 5 minutes after pressing that enter button, but later on as I was waiting for the reply I wasn’t scared. I was happy. I’m happy I did it. It felt like a huge weight was removed from my chest. Then I realized that us women can do it too. It’s okay to admit first, and it’s okay to get hurt a little. At the end of the day, we’ll get up and move on with life. As they say, there are tons of fishes in the sea. But if the fishes in the sea looks like a blobfish……….never mind.

I learned two things from this experience. Yes, you can’t always get what you want. Second, I learned that it’s hard to do something, but if it does you good, then by all means do it. Let’s celebrate beauty and love. Let us celebrate that we are a diverse, united people; that we are born to appreciate each others’ uniqueness; that we are born to love, no matter where you are, no matter who you are.

Now, I wanna say something for that guy. I wanna say thanks. Thank you for making me happy even though you didn’t know you did. Thank you for existing. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t know that I have a brave soul living in this cavity.

For the guys out there, you better thank those people who would tell you that they have a crush on you. You better thank their appreciation for your existence.

For the ladies, you can do this. You can tell him that you appreciate his existence. Whatever happens, it will be okay, as long as you have shared the love and goodness that you ought to share to the world.

That’s all. I wish you all the PLUR in this Earth. 🙂

What am I to do?

Soon, I’ll be packing up my stuffs. Soon, I’ll leave the first university I’ve been. I’m not graduating, but due to some unfortunate circumstances, I decided to go back to my homebase.
I’ve changed a lot. A lot happened that molded and bruised me to what I am now. A lot knew that I did hold grudges against people whom I considered to be in my hit list – those were the people in my high school. My college friends were the kind of lot I could hang onto. I matured with them, and they were the kind of people that I want to hang out with. No fakes, no pretentions, no worries.
People say that I was hanging out with the ‘cool uni kids’. Yeah, they might be right. When I turned legal I get invited to parties everywhere, get to dress up a lot, stuffs like that. Yeah, that was fun. I might consider myself a ‘cool kid’, the thing is, what makes me different from all these cool kids?
Along with that, I became a different person than I was before. I might still be that shy girl, but I just realized I tend to feel superior to those who are in my hit list. Not all but to some. Is this because of my uni experience or high school? That is the constant question. But I always shrug it off.
I might be so sassy at times. Sometimes I like to hold on to that but it annoys people.
Those are some of the changes that I’ve been through. As the next academic year opens for me, I become so nervous, but I have to deal with it. What am I to do?

Why Are You My Bacon Strips

Writer’s Note: I actually wrote this in my journal last December 17, 2013 before Christmas break. I just found the opportunity to post this now.

Das me. Pre-show :)

Das me. Pre-show 🙂

It’s been, like, 4 days since I went to Manila for Zedd and Madeon. And it’s also been 4 days since we all are suffering post-concert depression. Until now we’re still thinking about it, talking about it, over the social network. It was one of my magical experience, my sweetest escape.

Ze Philippines' EDM crew :) (L-R) KrewellaPH, ZeddPH, MadeonPH, ZeddPH, and PRobinsonPH (Photo credit: @keralagresa)

Ze Philippines’ EDM crew 🙂
(L-R) KrewellaPH, ZeddPH, MadeonPH, ZeddPH, and PRobinsonPH
(Photo credit: @keralagresa)

People ask me how was it. I always answer them in two parts. And for this blog I’ll also have two parts in describing that night.

Zedd and Madeon

I was so stoked to see Zedd and Madeon. I mean, BEYOND stoked. When Madeon got out, oh my gosh, I can’t believe that the French Electronic Prince is just meters away from me. That black leather varsity jacket is just meters away from me. I went wild when he started his set with Technicolor. And I couldn’t believe it that he’s mixing and making music with his Launchpad and I’m seeing it with my own eyes – LIVE! I also went crazy when he did his Pop Culture. It was the greatest moment of my life, seeing Hugo do Pop Culture live, and listening while he’s doing it live is much better than just listening to it in YouTube or in your phone. He ended his set with Finale. Very apt. I went cray.

Madeon muchos guapo. :) (Photo credit: @keralagresa)

Madeon muchos guapo. 🙂
(Photo credit: @keralagresa)

For Zedd. Gosh. Magical. It was push-button mix but I felt ecstatic when he dropped his Legend of Zelda mix, my favorite song of his. He also played most of his songs, giving priority to his chart-topping songs Clarity, Spectrum, and Stay The Night. But I was kinda sad when he didn’t play Shave It Up.

Zedd ft. the Filipinos (Photo credit: Rukes)

Zedd ft. the Filipinos
(Photo credit: Rukes)

Overall, it was worth my money to be there. We also get to meet Gabe Damast, the guy behind those amazing visuals on Zedd’s set. Such an adorable guy. Before 2013 ended, he followed us who met him in Manila.

The People

Oh my gosh. To be frank the people (or crowd) bothers me. first we had a rift with the management because they didn’t grant the promised meet-and-greet (as discussed over Twitter direct message) for us admins of ZeddPH and MadeonPH. To be technical about it, we should have been there because we were the ones who endorsed the concert since day one, and we know much more about Zedd and Madeon than the other people in the venue. (Well, except for those who follow those accounts) We know all their songs, their signature sound, and their music labels. Even their tour managers. We stayed for long in the venue but we didn’t get to meet any of the 2 guys. Except for Gabe.

Gabe's curls get the girls :) (Photo credit: Art Oca of Hyve)

Gabe’s curls get the girls 🙂
(Photo credit: Art Oca of Hyve)

The crowd made me confused. For real. When we were walking to the venue we were expecting everyone’s in their rave outfit. But when we got there, we looked like first world homeless people compared to majority of the people there. Everyone were wearing long gowns, high heels, suit and tie and shits like that. I was so ready with my flower crown and these people are wearing formal outfits?! Moment of Clarity ought to be a rave, not a wedding or a debut.

Now, during Madeon’s set, it was so quiet. No one knew Madeon’s songs aside from us and our followers. Total bullshit. They only cheered for Daft Punk’s Aerodynamic, which is part of Madeon’s Pop Culture. I’m so sad that they did not see the beauty of Hugo’s Pop Culture. See my tears.

On Zedd’s set, holy shit, I was expecting a lot of people jumping around whenever the beat drops but what happened was only a number of people jumped. WTF? The crowd wasn’t as energetic as I expected. And there were more down time from the crowd. They only went wild on 4 songs – Clarity, Stay The Night, Spectrum, and Empire of the Sun’s Alive.

Days after, I saw the photos from Rukes and the Hyve’s Art Oca and I noticed that people on most of the set time were just taking videos or pics of the stage. I guess they were just there to show it in their Instagrams or on Facebook. But we were there for the music. I don’t actually know how to feel.

 

I’ll just forget about the latter part, even though we hardcore EDM fans are all disappointed about the meet and greets. Overall it was an exciting experience for me. Flying to another city without any parent’s consent and skipping a day of class. I might do this again next time.

I SPY! Look for a girl who has a flower crown on that crowd! (Clue: See that Dad on the right? I'm on the left side of that Dad) :) (Photo credit: Rukes)

I SPY! Look for a girl who has a flower crown on that crowd! (Clue: See that Dad on the right? I’m on the left side of that Dad) 🙂
(Photo credit: Rukes)

Days later, I checked my Twitter at the middle of the night and my Interactions went crazy. Checked it and it was the EDM crew, telling me that Rukes actually got a pic of me raising my sign. I was flabbergasted. I couldn’t believe it. I had the honor to be part of Rukes’ great DJ photography gallery. (Even though my face isn’t there but at least a part of me was there)

Not that Zedd is that shit on an underwear, but Zedd is as hot and tasty as a bacon. Nomnom. OMG (Photo credit: Rukes)

Not that Zedd is that shit on an underwear, but Zedd is as hot and tasty as a bacon. Nomnom. OMG
(Photo credit: Rukes)

Course of Life

Curriculum Vitae (noun) – a brief account of a person’s education, qualifications, and previous experience, typically sent with a job application.

Now that I’m in one of the serious years in college, second year, our track adviser keeps on telling us to work on our curriculum vitae. She also told us to make blogs and define our spot in the cyber world. This makes me think. What have I’ve been doing in the cyberspace? In this light, I am willing to assess my accounts.

For the record I have 9 active accounts in different sites. I have my Facebook, as everyone has one, Twitter, this WordPress account, MySpace, SoundCloud, Ask.fm and Formspring, Polyvore, and Tumblr. I will describe each of my accounts.

Facebook

  • This is the only account where I am so clean. Why? Because of my teachers and my parents and other relatives.
  • You can say that I am fake, but I can’t just go loose myself in this site or else I’ll be bashed.
  • I don’t really stay for a long time in this site. I just log in and check what’s up and close the tab.
  • I talk about music and fashion and creative writing here.

Twitter

  • Aha. Twitter. The place where I can do virtually anything.
  • My relatives follow me there but I think they don’t care about the things I say in there.
  • The most vulgar site I ever have. (Not really)
  • The real me is here.
  • I mostly talk about music: listening or making music.
  • I also talk about fashion.
  • I am apolitical sometimes.
  • Employers won’t see this appear in Google when they’ll look up for ‘Natasha Carpina’

WordPress

  • My online journal.
  • I talk about the things that happen to me. Mostly not related to school.
  • A place where I express my half-hearted regret on choosing my college path.
  • I talk about music, and how I badly want to be in it.

MySpace

  • We all know what’s in MySpace: music. So, basically I post my covers here.

SoundCloud

  • A producer once said ‘If you want producers to see you, post your songs in SoundCloud.’ (Holla to Zedd), so this is the place where my musical goddess plays.
  • My secret sanctuary.
  • A place where I express myself musically.

Ask.fm and Formspring

  • These are example of sites where people submit questions for you to answer.
  • It’s like my Twitter account, I just answer stuffs.

Polyvore

  • A site where I integrate fashion and music.
  • Also one of my secret sanctuaries.

Tumblr

  • My dreams in photos.
  • It is like Twitter and WordPress and Photobucket combined.
  • Mostly music and fashion.
  • You wouldn’t see this appear under ‘Natasha Carpina’

Now I feel a little lost. My curriculum vitae consists of things related to fashion and music. What do you think my future employers who are in the field of foreign affairs will think of me?

This leaves me a question: Am I really born to be in the IRFS arena?

 

 

Strike 2

I always am a failure. Again, I dazed out in the middle of my speech in the Asian Parliamentary debate. In the first place I know I would fail because I don’t have a strong argument. Second, I don’t know what we really are talking about. Third, again I was not confident with myself. I should have learned on my first attempt but failed. One was bad and got worst.

This made me think. When in PolSci we keep on debating, will I survive? Can I debate without breaking down after? Can I debate and speak in front people with authority and conviction? I doubt it.

Since before, after high school, every time I speak in front of a crowd I never had a moment when my hands would go cold and shiver and my voice would falter. When they said one failure is enough to teach you. I’m on strike 2. When will I learn?

Maybe God doesn’t want me to speak in front. Or maybe He wants me to speak but I was just a sissy to stand up and speak without any hint of weakness?

Another question. Is this curriculum for me? I keep on pushing myself to this but what if I am not really for this? I keep doubting. Doubting on myself. Doubting on my capabilities.

Maybe I am not really for this. Or I am not sure.

This just shows that I don’t know myself. Until now.