Headstrong

After more or less than a year, I would be walking up the stage to get my diploma.

Some, if not all, of my classmates would graduate as cum laude, magna cum laude, summa cum laude. Some, if not all, in the IRFS track, will be one of those three. Maybe, I’m not in there.

Yes, I was not that focused. I lived my 4 years full of regrets. I might say this here in my blog or write about it in my journals or tell my friends about this but I could never, ever tell my parents about it.

Yes, they want me to choose a program that I like. I chose this path – out of force. Out of an indirect force.

Yes, I wanted something else. Setting money aside, I badly wanted to be a filmmaker, or a painter, or a writer, or a musician.

Yes, I am not serious with my studies. I tried to deviate, make a way to go to what I really wanted to get as a degree, but it seems that all my dreams are impossible.

Yes, they are impossible dreams. Dreams that are easy to say and imagine, but very, very, very difficult to fulfill.

Yes, my parents would compare me to my batch mates. They would ask me ‘how come he/she graduated with honors but you didn’t?’

Yes, I am never honest with anyone.

Yes, I am never honest with myself.

I am now 19, and I am still confused. 19 years of not knowing what you really want to do with your life. Ever since I was a kid I always wanted to be a musician. Yes, I was a short-attention spanned kid on my piano lessons but I did strive to learn guitar. I would compose songs. But this passion became a hobby, then down to less than a hobby. I was good at writing. I was best in writing stories. I have a very creative mind. I got in university, and I was placed in a transparent box. I could see what’s going on outside, but I couldn’t make anything from what’s outside. I am confined to just the laws and treaties and what-nots.

My mother is a frustrated fashion designer, but she has forgotten about it, thinking/acting about it as a mere hobby of drawing or sketching or doodling on paper. My father’s father is a frustrated lawyer. My father seems like a lawyer. That passed on to me, fortunately and unfortunately. I don’t want to be a lawyer. I grow up and realize I am weak on speaking but very strong on writing. Why have I entered IRFS? I will never know why.

I thought about going in University of San Carlos ever since I was in 3rd year high school. My regrets? I should have researched more about the school. I should have researched more about their programs. If I only knew before that they offer Cinematography, my ass would have been there. If I was in Cinematography right now, I would have been in the dean’s list. To be honest, I am not happy here at all. I could have been better somewhere else. I forced myself here, because I thought back then that my future in Cinematography would be bleak. I was wrong. It could be much better than this.

Some people would say that I think of myself too much. Actually, no. I am an only child, and ever since I was a teenager, I thought of nothing but my parents, friends, everyone around me. I never thought of myself.

Some people would say that I am not working hard. I am working hard. Some people would say that I am too distracted. It actually hurts me to hear that. Yes, I am distracted, because I don’t want to do all of these. I want something else. I want my future to be surrounded with crumpled papers, cork boards full of little notes of plot ideas, clean sheets of paper with tea stains, and storyboards with little people enacting some scenes. My creativity is very important to me. That is one thing I am holding on in my life. My passion evolves in everything that makes rhymes, music, and images.

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