Drunk Dialing

3 am.

* phone rings *

“Man, it happened. You were right. I should’ve listened to you. He broke my heart. I thought I was the only girl he loved. He told me that. You know that he told me that. I believed in him. I gave up everything just for him. Time, effort, hopes, dreams. All! I regret everything now. I don’t know what to do. I was really thinking that I was his one and only princess. Didn’t know there was another one. I was just having half of his love, or, worse, 40% of it. Why does it need to be us?

“I found it out. I saw him in a coffee shop, holding a girl’s hand. You were right. It was that girl. They were doing things we were doing. I stood and looked at them from a distance. The moment their lips met, I wanted to die. Why me?

“I’m sorry. I should’ve listened. But I was submerged in the world we thought we had.

“You were so good. You weren’t just a friend, you were my brother. You cared for me like I cared for him. It’s crazy but I just realized you’re the nice guy I wanted.

“You’re so good. Fuck it, why aren’t you my boyfriend?”

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Strike 2

I always am a failure. Again, I dazed out in the middle of my speech in the Asian Parliamentary debate. In the first place I know I would fail because I don’t have a strong argument. Second, I don’t know what we really are talking about. Third, again I was not confident with myself. I should have learned on my first attempt but failed. One was bad and got worst.

This made me think. When in PolSci we keep on debating, will I survive? Can I debate without breaking down after? Can I debate and speak in front people with authority and conviction? I doubt it.

Since before, after high school, every time I speak in front of a crowd I never had a moment when my hands would go cold and shiver and my voice would falter. When they said one failure is enough to teach you. I’m on strike 2. When will I learn?

Maybe God doesn’t want me to speak in front. Or maybe He wants me to speak but I was just a sissy to stand up and speak without any hint of weakness?

Another question. Is this curriculum for me? I keep on pushing myself to this but what if I am not really for this? I keep doubting. Doubting on myself. Doubting on my capabilities.

Maybe I am not really for this. Or I am not sure.

This just shows that I don’t know myself. Until now.