Can’t Even

To be quite frank, starting yesterday, my paranoia doubled up. It wasn’t meant to happen but for me once I brush shoulders with this person I’ll start breaking down on how perfect a person is. It may sound abnormal but it’s my way. If I’ll have a crush on a guy, as much as possible I want to be anonymous. I don’t want him to know anything about me.

It all started around the 2nd week of August. My friends and I were in the elevator going up to the 4th floor when it hit me. He and his friend were also in the elevator. I just mutter song lyrics behind him to calm down my nerves. Then his friend noticed me and he poked him. My crush turned and he saw me. I looked at the floor because I don’t ever want to look at him. Then he turned back and smiled, but he covered his smile. As I have observed he was smiling until we arrived to our destination.

Second and the major one was what happened on my birthday. After that, as much as possible I’ll avoid him. Then this afternoon I stopped walking to give them time to get inside the building. After how many seconds my friend and I followed in and we caught them on the stairs. Then my friend told me that he looked back.

I know those things should have no meaning for me. I am being careful. I don’t want rumors to go around about me and him, or just me. I don’t want to hear stuffs like ‘she’s just another girl who wanted him’ or ‘whoa, that girl has a vagina’ (that’s the feminist counterpart for ‘whoa, that man have balls’. But balls are so sensitive, scientifically thinking. Vaginas are tougher because they can take a pounding. 😉 ) behind me. I wanted to be anonymous. I’m just admiring him, for crying out loud.

I bet he goes on with his life, but in my case, as much as possible, I’ll avoid my chance of bumping him around.

This might happen, but not now, please.




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