On Infatuation and Admission

So, I did something. Something women find hard to do.

I told my crush of 4 years that I actually have a crush on him.

It took me almost a year to tell him that. Why did I do that? you ask. I did that because I thought I couldn’t move on without me telling him. Why, again? Because the thought of being into him for 4 years is unsettling. It didn’t let me sleep ever since I transferred universities. I felt the need of telling him, just to hush my thoughts. I don’t know about you, but for me, this is the most liberating thing I have done. I have done what other women are scared of doing, even trying.

Admitting to your crush how you feel about him is, yes, scary for most of us women. Mostly because we, most often than not, fall into the friendzone than succeeding. In my case, I initially set forth friendzone after admitting. I know some of you will get frustrated but, hang on.

This brings us to the next reason: women gets easily emotional (like negatively emotional) when we get rejected, especially when feelings matter. Of course no one wants to be rejected, but sometimes or oftentimes we don’t get mutual feelings. I was prepared for that. So, before I admitted, I told myself that this might not end up like a fairytale. Screw fairytales. This is the real world. I’ll be okay whatever happens.

More often than not we get subjected to humiliation. I’ve been there. I know some of you have been there, irregardless of the gender. If I wasn’t Emma Watson or Mila Kunis then they’ll just laugh at me.

There’s this awkward stage between you and the guy. Right now I can’t have that awkward moments because we’re miles apart and I did that over the internet. Well, I wish I did that face-to-face, to see his reaction. But if it did happen face-to-face, it would’ve feel awkward. I just don’t know why. Maybe because he doesn’t know how to handle such information? Maybe because she’s regretting such act?

I told some of my friends about this act and they told me that I was so brave in admitting to my crush. Yeah, I was scared for the first 5 minutes after pressing that enter button, but later on as I was waiting for the reply I wasn’t scared. I was happy. I’m happy I did it. It felt like a huge weight was removed from my chest. Then I realized that us women can do it too. It’s okay to admit first, and it’s okay to get hurt a little. At the end of the day, we’ll get up and move on with life. As they say, there are tons of fishes in the sea. But if the fishes in the sea looks like a blobfish……….never mind.

I learned two things from this experience. Yes, you can’t always get what you want. Second, I learned that it’s hard to do something, but if it does you good, then by all means do it. Let’s celebrate beauty and love. Let us celebrate that we are a diverse, united people; that we are born to appreciate each others’ uniqueness; that we are born to love, no matter where you are, no matter who you are.

Now, I wanna say something for that guy. I wanna say thanks. Thank you for making me happy even though you didn’t know you did. Thank you for existing. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t know that I have a brave soul living in this cavity.

For the guys out there, you better thank those people who would tell you that they have a crush on you. You better thank their appreciation for your existence.

For the ladies, you can do this. You can tell him that you appreciate his existence. Whatever happens, it will be okay, as long as you have shared the love and goodness that you ought to share to the world.

That’s all. I wish you all the PLUR in this Earth. :)

Movie Review: Maleficent

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So, yesterday I was in the movies with my mother watching Maleficent. If I could give one word right now, it would be AWESOME.

I had 4 reasons why I watched the movie. First, because of Angelina Jolie. Second, because of the story. Third, because of Vivienne. Fourth, Lana Del Rey’s ‘Once Upon A Dream’.

So, Angelina Jolie. I have loved Angelina Jolie since her first Tomb Raider movie, because that was the time I got interested in seeing action movies that involved women. I was around 5 or 6 years old that time and I was kinda tired with fairy tales already. I was influenced by my father to watch action movies. The first time I saw the movie poster, I dragged my Pa to the movie house and we watched. After that I started to look up to Angelina.

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She never fails to impress people with her movies. She might not have movies every year, but when she has it always goes with a bang. She never settles for small roles, she goes big. In Maleficent, it seems that the movie was tailored for her. She was the best woman for the role. I couldn’t imagine any other actress playing that role. Imagine Mila Kunis or Emma Stone playing Maleficent. It doesn’t seem to complete the whole package. Angelina was born to bring Maleficent to life. Angelina is the queen.

And I’ll never forget the time that I tried to convince my Ma to have a Maleficent-inspired dress for prom. I was dead serious.

 

Second, the story. I like how Disney is trying to deviate to the norm, from Frozen to Maleficent. From Elsa saving Anna from the curse, to Maleficent breaking her own curse on Aurora. It’s a revolution they have started, telling kids that true love is not just seen or felt from romantic partners, but also to people close to you, like your parents or your siblings. They are telling kids nowadays that you/we should honour, respect, and love those who care for us.

By the way, the scene where the pixies dragged the prince into kissing Aurora was hilarious. At least the prince knows his limitations, being hesitant and asking the pixies if it’s okay for Aurora to be kissed by him. Shouts to Disney.

 

Third, VIVIENNE!!!! For real, the first time I heard on E! News about Vivienne’s debut on the movie made me so excited I was throwing pillows all over our house. For real. Vivienne is so adorable, she’s like a mini, girl version of Brad Pitt like I CAN’T EVEN

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I died when Vivienne, as Aurora, approached Maleficent and asked her to carry her up like, ‘Mommy! Carry me! I wanna touch those thingies on your head. Can I have those too?’

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Vivienne just stole our hearts in the movie theatre. We’re done. SO DONE.

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Lastly, Lana Del Rey. Another queen. Her song is the perfect theme song for the movie. Even before the announcement of the theme song I already knew that Lana would be the perfect voice for the song. And she is. I’m done.

 

Until now I couldn’t get over the movie. Even my mother. I bet I’ll be getting the DVD when it comes out. *watches movie until le self memorises the script*

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Dear Cebu

Dear Cebu,

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I have to leave. It’s a sad decision but I have to. At first it was not easy to make this decision and it was not easy to transfer islands. I filled 3 huge boxes of my stuffs from here. Imagine! I almost had a life, or I had a life here. Oh, Cebu.

You were the reason I lived. My parents prayed to the Sto. Niño to have me. Every travel that we have we never fail to visit you.

Time came and I decided to study with you. University of San Carlos. I had a great time stressing out. It was hard and tiring, but it was worth it. I learned a lot.

Even though you’re sizzling hot, too hot for me, I did endure it as I try to finish my studies. I became an expert fanner (if there is such a word).

I made friends with your people and they were the best humans I’ve ever met. They were the friends that I’ll never forget.

You have fast cars. Really. Fast cars that would take my breath away as my life flashes before my eyes. So fast that they could beat African cheetahs.

Cebu, you were great.

Ok. My flight is being called. I’ll be home in a bit, and it’s for good. So, I guess I’ll see you around, Cebu?

Love,
Tasha

Leaving is Overrated. See You Soon isn’t.

People come and go.

I just realized that leaving people, especially those people who became a part of your life, sucks. But, sometimes there are those unforeseen circumstances that needs an instant life-changing decision. That just happened to me.

I am leaving Cebu. I am leaving the University of San Carlos. I am leaving the Department of Political Science. It’s a sad time for me as I have made a life in here. I was at least happier than I was before. Then, I became depressed, been thinking negatively and it lead to me failing my thesis. It was depressing. Again. After I found that out I couldn’t function well for 2 weeks. It affected my health, also because I am not good in handling stress positively. I became stagnant. Albeit my parent’s advice (‘It’s not the end of the world. There are more difficult adult problems than that.’), for me it was the end of my world. I was thinking that I had nothing left to do anymore.

My parents helped me recover, and during the recovery, I looked at the path further. I realized that I might have only 2 subjects in my final year. Imagine that. I’ll only go back here in Cebu to take one subject in every semester. Nope.

That made me decide to leave. It was hard at first, but it was the best decision. And this is why I have to fill up 3 huge boxes with my things in the dorm. God, I do have tons of things.

It happened fast. Next semester, instead of wearing green plaid pants and light cream colored blouse with the letters U, S, and C embroidered on it, I’ll be immaculate. I’ll be white and pure as the freshly fallen snow. Back to the roots. Back to the roots.

It was a hard decision, but it has to be done. Saying goodbye is hard, that’s why I prefer to say ‘See you around’.

See you around, Cebu.

What am I to do?

Soon, I’ll be packing up my stuffs. Soon, I’ll leave the first university I’ve been. I’m not graduating, but due to some unfortunate circumstances, I decided to go back to my homebase.
I’ve changed a lot. A lot happened that molded and bruised me to what I am now. A lot knew that I did hold grudges against people whom I considered to be in my hit list – those were the people in my high school. My college friends were the kind of lot I could hang onto. I matured with them, and they were the kind of people that I want to hang out with. No fakes, no pretentions, no worries.
People say that I was hanging out with the ‘cool uni kids’. Yeah, they might be right. When I turned legal I get invited to parties everywhere, get to dress up a lot, stuffs like that. Yeah, that was fun. I might consider myself a ‘cool kid’, the thing is, what makes me different from all these cool kids?
Along with that, I became a different person than I was before. I might still be that shy girl, but I just realized I tend to feel superior to those who are in my hit list. Not all but to some. Is this because of my uni experience or high school? That is the constant question. But I always shrug it off.
I might be so sassy at times. Sometimes I like to hold on to that but it annoys people.
Those are some of the changes that I’ve been through. As the next academic year opens for me, I become so nervous, but I have to deal with it. What am I to do?

Wall of Shame.

So, I saw this article about Kris Aquino, a female celebrity/socialite/whatever here in the Philippines, telling Andrew Garfield that her movie beat the first Spider Man movie here.

How fucked up is that?!

And, who the hell would tell another celebrity, ‘hey, y’know? I beat your movie in this country.’ That is a form of humiliating that person, and that is not ok.

What’s worst? Kris bragged about her ‘top-grossing movie’ to Andy, which isn’t really that.

Kris’ movie was entitled, ‘My Little Bossings’ which also starred her son, Bimby. Unfortunately my Ma pulled me to watch that movie because she wants to know how Bimby acts. I didn’t like the movie at all. The story line was faulty, the camera angles were messy, transitions are a pain in the head, the acting does not suit the actors. It felt like I was watching a movie made by 5-year olds. (But, then again, there are even stories made by 5-year olds that are better than that movie) 10 minutes into the movie I got bored and I wanted to leave the theater. No one seemed to enjoy the movie, as the theater was silent. It actually wasted 180 of my money. It was NOTHING compared to Spider Man. How it became top grossing? The hell I know.

Now, I’m wondering why the hell is she interviewing them? Where the hell are our top journalists? What happened was a huge shame. Some journalist/movie critic deserves that slot more than her.

Poor Andy. He’s there, expecting that people will talk about his upcoming movie and his upcoming projects or whatever and here comes a person, who is not really knowledgeable on how to handle interviews, brags about beating Andy’s movie with her dumb movie.

To Kris, please please please don’t do anything that you can’t do. I don’t even know how you got in the roster of interviewers. Some movie critic DESERVES that slot more than you, even if you did that as a birthday gift for your son. And, watch your mouth. You don’t hail yourself in front of a world-class actor. Not all things that you do are right. You are the president’s sister and you should behave so you would not ruin your family’s name.

Oh, the fucked up people in this beautiful country.

Headstrong

After more or less than a year, I would be walking up the stage to get my diploma.

Some, if not all, of my classmates would graduate as cum laude, magna cum laude, summa cum laude. Some, if not all, in the IRFS track, will be one of those three. Maybe, I’m not in there.

Yes, I was not that focused. I lived my 4 years full of regrets. I might say this here in my blog or write about it in my journals or tell my friends about this but I could never, ever tell my parents about it.

Yes, they want me to choose a program that I like. I chose this path – out of force. Out of an indirect force.

Yes, I wanted something else. Setting money aside, I badly wanted to be a filmmaker, or a painter, or a writer, or a musician.

Yes, I am not serious with my studies. I tried to deviate, make a way to go to what I really wanted to get as a degree, but it seems that all my dreams are impossible.

Yes, they are impossible dreams. Dreams that are easy to say and imagine, but very, very, very difficult to fulfill.

Yes, my parents would compare me to my batch mates. They would ask me ‘how come he/she graduated with honors but you didn’t?’

Yes, I am never honest with anyone.

Yes, I am never honest with myself.

I am now 19, and I am still confused. 19 years of not knowing what you really want to do with your life. Ever since I was a kid I always wanted to be a musician. Yes, I was a short-attention spanned kid on my piano lessons but I did strive to learn guitar. I would compose songs. But this passion became a hobby, then down to less than a hobby. I was good at writing. I was best in writing stories. I have a very creative mind. I got in university, and I was placed in a transparent box. I could see what’s going on outside, but I couldn’t make anything from what’s outside. I am confined to just the laws and treaties and what-nots.

My mother is a frustrated fashion designer, but she has forgotten about it, thinking/acting about it as a mere hobby of drawing or sketching or doodling on paper. My father’s father is a frustrated lawyer. My father seems like a lawyer. That passed on to me, fortunately and unfortunately. I don’t want to be a lawyer. I grow up and realize I am weak on speaking but very strong on writing. Why have I entered IRFS? I will never know why.

I thought about going in University of San Carlos ever since I was in 3rd year high school. My regrets? I should have researched more about the school. I should have researched more about their programs. If I only knew before that they offer Cinematography, my ass would have been there. If I was in Cinematography right now, I would have been in the dean’s list. To be honest, I am not happy here at all. I could have been better somewhere else. I forced myself here, because I thought back then that my future in Cinematography would be bleak. I was wrong. It could be much better than this.

Some people would say that I think of myself too much. Actually, no. I am an only child, and ever since I was a teenager, I thought of nothing but my parents, friends, everyone around me. I never thought of myself.

Some people would say that I am not working hard. I am working hard. Some people would say that I am too distracted. It actually hurts me to hear that. Yes, I am distracted, because I don’t want to do all of these. I want something else. I want my future to be surrounded with crumpled papers, cork boards full of little notes of plot ideas, clean sheets of paper with tea stains, and storyboards with little people enacting some scenes. My creativity is very important to me. That is one thing I am holding on in my life. My passion evolves in everything that makes rhymes, music, and images.