Headstrong

After more or less than a year, I would be walking up the stage to get my diploma.

Some, if not all, of my classmates would graduate as cum laude, magna cum laude, summa cum laude. Some, if not all, in the IRFS track, will be one of those three. Maybe, I’m not in there.

Yes, I was not that focused. I lived my 4 years full of regrets. I might say this here in my blog or write about it in my journals or tell my friends about this but I could never, ever tell my parents about it.

Yes, they want me to choose a program that I like. I chose this path – out of force. Out of an indirect force.

Yes, I wanted something else. Setting money aside, I badly wanted to be a filmmaker, or a painter, or a writer, or a musician.

Yes, I am not serious with my studies. I tried to deviate, make a way to go to what I really wanted to get as a degree, but it seems that all my dreams are impossible.

Yes, they are impossible dreams. Dreams that are easy to say and imagine, but very, very, very difficult to fulfill.

Yes, my parents would compare me to my batch mates. They would ask me ‘how come he/she graduated with honors but you didn’t?’

Yes, I am never honest with anyone.

Yes, I am never honest with myself.

I am now 19, and I am still confused. 19 years of not knowing what you really want to do with your life. Ever since I was a kid I always wanted to be a musician. Yes, I was a short-attention spanned kid on my piano lessons but I did strive to learn guitar. I would compose songs. But this passion became a hobby, then down to less than a hobby. I was good at writing. I was best in writing stories. I have a very creative mind. I got in university, and I was placed in a transparent box. I could see what’s going on outside, but I couldn’t make anything from what’s outside. I am confined to just the laws and treaties and what-nots.

My mother is a frustrated fashion designer, but she has forgotten about it, thinking/acting about it as a mere hobby of drawing or sketching or doodling on paper. My father’s father is a frustrated lawyer. My father seems like a lawyer. That passed on to me, fortunately and unfortunately. I don’t want to be a lawyer. I grow up and realize I am weak on speaking but very strong on writing. Why have I entered IRFS? I will never know why.

I thought about going in University of San Carlos ever since I was in 3rd year high school. My regrets? I should have researched more about the school. I should have researched more about their programs. If I only knew before that they offer Cinematography, my ass would have been there. If I was in Cinematography right now, I would have been in the dean’s list. To be honest, I am not happy here at all. I could have been better somewhere else. I forced myself here, because I thought back then that my future in Cinematography would be bleak. I was wrong. It could be much better than this.

Some people would say that I think of myself too much. Actually, no. I am an only child, and ever since I was a teenager, I thought of nothing but my parents, friends, everyone around me. I never thought of myself.

Some people would say that I am not working hard. I am working hard. Some people would say that I am too distracted. It actually hurts me to hear that. Yes, I am distracted, because I don’t want to do all of these. I want something else. I want my future to be surrounded with crumpled papers, cork boards full of little notes of plot ideas, clean sheets of paper with tea stains, and storyboards with little people enacting some scenes. My creativity is very important to me. That is one thing I am holding on in my life. My passion evolves in everything that makes rhymes, music, and images.

Cinemas and etiquette

It’s Friday night. I just passed my final revised thesis proposal in the Political Science department. I’m with my friends. So we’re out to chill.

Later on. Me and my friend, Janice, decided to watch Captain America: The Winter Soldier. So, we’re inside the cinema, waiting for the movie to start.

When the movie started, we were blessed to have 2 high school girls beside us. And we were so blessed because they can’t seem to shut the fuck up. People around us, including me, kept on hushing them, but to no avail.

So, the ultimatum came. There are these 2 high school girls, who kept on talking about God-knows-what out loud inside the cinema while the movie is going on. [Spoiler alert: If you haven't watch the movie yet, you better stop reading. If you already watched it, then carry on if you must.] Then this scene where they show that Nick Fury is still alive came, then this one girl looked at her friend and said ‘SEE?! I TOLD YOU HE’S ALIVE!’ out loud.

No shit, Sherlock.

I got irritated and replied, ‘SHUT UP!’ in the most bitchiest, sassiest way I could.

They shut up.

So, I think I won that time, ’cause everyone around us laughed. Laughed at the fact that someone has finally owned the noisy ones.

But, unfortunately, they didn’t get the memo and still was noisy until the end of the movie. Suckers.

Sorry, but I assumed that having an etiquette is implied. I assumed that everyone in this world knows how to behave in public, especially in cinemas. Turns out, I am wrong. I have come across these kids before, still in the cinemas. It makes me ask questions: what happened? Did they ever listen to their parents? Where are their parents? What are their parents doing? Are the parents too busy to work to satisfy the wants of their kids? It’s fucked up, dude. It’s fucked up.

I am surprised. When I was 13 I knew how to behave in public. I knew how to respect each person’s space. 13 year olds these days barely know how to behave. Hell, they even look like college students! Have we fucked up? Or are we that fucked up? I think not.

It’s not wrong to talk in the cinemas. Just make small, hushed talks with your friend. But not like you’re having a conversation in a park or somewhere open.

Also, parents, please. I’m no parent but, please, guide your child like how your parents guided you. Teach them how to respect. Respect has no expiration date. Respect is not just until our generation. It should be in everyone’s moral list. If they don’t listen, then, you need some power play in there. Bring back the respect and balance it with care and love.

Kids, please. Your parents are not your servants. They are your guides. I repeat, YOUR GUIDES. If you keep on asking them to buy you this or that, then you are missing the greatest things in life: Family. Also, MORALS. Learn how to respect each person in this Earth. Learn how to behave in this Earth. Mind you, it’ll take you to good place.

It’s just disappointing, really. How high schoolers behave these days. All the early drinking, smoking, partying, misbehaving. Tsk. It’s not fucking cool, believe me.

5 AM and I am still awake.

5 AM and I am still awake.

I just finished revising my thesis.

It took me 9 hours.

I missed 2 major meals.

Past 11 PM I tried to sleep.

I stared at the blurry ceiling until past 12.

I got up.

Went out of my room.

Ordered food with my friend.

Stayed out until past 2.

Past 3 AM I tried to sleep.

But to no avail.

I read The Cuckoo’s Calling.

I got hooked.

It’s already 5 AM.

Some alive soul is playing the radio.

I don’t feel drowsy.

I am still typing this nonsense poem here.

It’s not even a poem.

What the hell am I doing even.

#FlashbackFriday: September 27, 2013

September 27, 2013, Thursday, 6:48 pm, JW 332, Public International Law class, University of San Carlos – Main Campus

I cannot believe this. Zedd on the 12th and Krewella on the 14th. That is one weekend, both in Manila. December. December 12 is a Thursday and December 14 is a Saturday. I have to stretch my money from 20,000 to 30,000 or more. God, how am I going to do that?! I’m planning to sell my paintings and work part-time in Starbucks, which is cool and I wanted to but I also have to help out in our store. I hope my parents will allow me to work in Starbucks.

So, how did I know about this? Carel texted me and tweeted me through @ZeddPH. Now I am planning my financial framework. Well, if we will eat in cheap places we’ll be good. And, hey, all I have to spend are plane ticket, concert tickets, hotel chip-ins and food. I don’t know how much those are. I don’t want to be short of cash on that weekend.

Oh gosh. I am legit sneaking out.

The Joys and Woes of Studying in a University

Most os us, if not all, would proceed to get a degree after high school. Well, in my generation’s case (or maybe in my culture’s case), it is mandatory. Mandatory because K+12 is not yet implemented and people will look down on you if you don’t have a degree.

But wait, it’s not just an ordinary degree. You NEED to have a degree that would give you a nice pay after Uni, whether you like it or not. Whether you like it or not, you are forced to study that. No turning back. If they allow you…you lucky one.

Some of us would study away from homes. Like me. We have a lot of reasons. My reasons were because ‘the course that I like(d) was in Cebu therefore I’ll study there’ and ‘I don’t want to deal with the same immature people I have dealt with during high school. Nope.’ During the process, there are regrets. Regretting is inevitable.

Yes, I do regret. Not that I regret studying away from home, but that has some advantages too. I regret getting the program.

International Relations and Foreign Service. Yeah it sounds real grand. Sacrifices are real grand too. Stress levels are damn real grand. Unimaginable. Four years ago I did not think about it very well. I just picked that out because I ‘might get a high paying job after’ (lies), ‘it sounds cool’ (just wait ’till you get IN it), ‘it’s an unusual course’ (truth), and ‘I think I could do this’ (barely). I was not warned of the dangers it brings. As an adventurous person, I dived head on into the program. Three years later, I’m struggling underwater because my oxygen tank is getting low.

Well, the reason behind this decision was because of economic factors. If money were not to talk about, I would take up Music Production or Creative Writing or Mass Communication or Cinematography. Unfortunately and albeit my great talent on those, I was not allowed to take any of those because they were ‘no-brainer’ programs. I am crying now. If I took up any of those programs, I’m already in the Dean’s List. DON’T YOU FORGET THAT.

Now you might want to know my situation. My skills in creative writing and drawing are hampered because I keep on using the part of my brain for analysis. I keep on dwelling with the facts that I got lost in it. The zest of creativity is fading. I don’t even have time to practice any musical instrument because this current program I have does not give me time. Time management, you say? IT DOES NOT EXIST IN THIS WORLD ANYMORE.

I keep up on my grades because of the retention policy. I eat, sleep, wake up, do the same things all over again. Talk politics, talk about the very dry politics. (I am a Political Science student but why am I saying this?) But honestly, I am a mediocre at most times. Because my heart is not in it. I have grown bitter over it. I had too much. I know three years is not that long but for me it is. It is slowly killing me. I work just for the grades. I work too much that I envy National University – Singapore and how they grade people by their skills and talents and not too much on standardize exams.

But the good thing is, I am not studying in my home turf. Here in Cebu, I could feel the stress and the burden on my shoulders. I am not healthy. My shoulders would hurt, felt like I’m carrying some heavy stuffs on my shoulders. My breathing is not even. My chest would suddenly become heavy with no reason at all. I am always tired despite my workout sessions in the gym.  In Davao, I won’t feel these things. That is a good thing. I am stressed in only one area in this world. Imagine if I’m studying in Davao, I would probably kill myself by then. So stop telling me that these are because of my hormones. Let us not blame everything on hormones. There are other factors aside from hormones, and of course it is NOT because my period is coming.

The title is a bit misleading. I’ve been talking about the woes of studying in a University for the whole time. Well, probably my woes. But I’ll leave it that way for a while. To be honest I’m not feeling that well. And don’t tell me to get some fuckin’ tea because I already had a hundred cups of tea and I am still not calm.

I just wanna go up in a mountain and scream, tbh.

Sea of Voices – Porter Robinson: An Informal Review

I know that I don’t give song reviews but Porter made me do it. Not that he personally told me to do one but his latest release prompt me to do it.

Have you ever heard the song yet? If not, YOU ARE MISSING OUT.

I mean, c’mon. The first time I heard it, I swear, it has transported me to another dimension. It made me go like this:

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The new style of the song would hypnotize you, will make you imagine what would probably be in Robinson’s head. Now I could say Robinson did translate his kawaii thoughts into music. Bravo. Perfect. I can’t even write my thoughts straight how much more into music?

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This review won’t be long. But, mind you, Sea of Voices is a hypnotic bliss that would bring you to another world.

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Sorry if I can’t give a comprehensive review. My feels are killing me.

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I just can’t. I’m done.

 

p.s. Tweet me (@pisTASHAnut) if you see a husky in the album art. :)